Drivers of the World Unite!

Now I consider myself a fairly patient person. And, for that matter, a fairly upbeat person. I laugh constantly. Many times at myself, and many times frequently enough that people start talking about rest and soothing drinks. You know, the usual. But for some reason, I seem to attract bad drivers like it's my job. Seriously. I try and have patience. I try not to honk my horn and just constantly leave my middle finger waiving in the window, but it seems that I have some sort of gravitational pull when it comes to people who can't drive. The other day, I had forgotten my phone charger at work, and seeing as it was the weekend, I decided to run by real quickly and pick it up. Of course "real quickly" didn't work out quite as planned when I somehow got stuck behind someone going 12 MPH, at their fastest. Granted, the speed limit in my town within the city is a mere 30mph, but 12!?! Really!? And I thought, well, mayhaps it's someone from out of town, or maybe a little old person, or someone having car troubles. But oh no. A person in their 30's with local tags and no hazards going is this bastard who's decided to putter along in front of me. I think I literally screamed. More than once.

This past weekend, I was driving back into town from Nashville and it started raining. Now, this wasn't a drizzle, but it was no monsoon either. But there was that one person on the interstate that day that fears any sort of inclement weather. Spit on the street in front of them and they'll freak. Well this person decided to cruise in the fast lane....in a section of the interstate where the speed limit's 70....going 45 MPH. There is a special place in hell waiting for this person. Really. It's filled with rain, Barney episodes, and retail customers asking stupid questions.


Beyond the fact that there are evil drivers out there, my mother actually taught me some wonderful ways to be slightly vindictive without breaking laws or being obscene. As a southerner, I find this important. We always have to be sweet as molasses while plotting vengeance or carrying it out. It's important for our reputation. Anyways, these helpful tidbits include:

1. When a person flicks you off while driving, 9 times out of 10 you get to assume it was something they did, and you just bothered to correct their driving errors. So don't feel shame about it, but don't stoop to their level. Instead, wave at them franticly, like you think they're waving to you and are their long lost friend/cousin/3rd grade teacher. This will just piss them off more, the fact that you're not getting that they're angry with you, and wish to tell you so, and you will have the righteous feeling of knowing you didn't flick them off...and that you made them more frustrated. Having used this one on numerous occasions, I really can vouch for the fact that it's infinitely more satisfying than flicking the other person off as well.
AND
2. If someone is driving behind you with their brights on, simply adjust your side mirrors until the light is reflected back in their face. I've used this one while driving back roads, as well as while stuck in traffic on the interstate. It's really delightful. You know how much you hate that person that decides permanently driving with their brights on is a good idea? Yeah, you can remedy that. I also have used this when stuck in front of one of those people who just have ridiculously bright normal lights. I, personally, think those should be illegal. They're evil, distracting, and blinding. But it's wonderful to get to flash them, I once even had a guy start blinking his lights off and on, like he was pissed about the fact that I was throwing his lights of doom back at him, but really, he was just flashing himself, so I laughed and enjoyed the ride. A word of warning though, if you adjust your side mirrors, make sure to adjust them back to a usable position before you do anything you might need them for. Trust me on that one. It's hard to feel vindicated and like you came out on top when you get into some sort of easily avoidable accident in front of Mr. Evil High-beams.

But generally, I try to keep an open mind when cruising down the road. I've had car troubles before, I know what it's like to have to BE the dumb ass in the slow lane going INCREDIBLY slow. It's not fun. But if you act stupidly...know that I will be there...waiving franticly, and cutting you off at my first chance. Bless your heart.